Your Shit, Their Shit, Our Shit

Aries

• Your Shit: Pure, unadulterated rage and the impulse control of a toddler on Irn-Bru.
• Their Shit: Having the audacity to exist or move slower than a week in jail.
• Our Shit: A relationship that’s basically just one long, shouting match where you both end up bloody well skelped and exhausted.

Taurus

• Your Shit: Being a stubborn muckle who won’t move off the sofa even if the house is on fire.
• Their Shit: Asking you to share your chips or change your mind about anything.
• Our Shit: A stalemate where nobody wins, nobody moves, and you both just sit there dour as a wet Sunday in Kilmarnock.

Gemini

• Your Shit: Two personalities, both of them tuned to the moon and talking absolute pish.
• Their Shit: Expecting you to listen for more than five seconds without checking your phone.
• Our Shit: A chaotic whirlwind of gossips where nobody knows what the truth is, and everyone’s a wee clipe

Cancer

• Your Shit: Being a crabbit emotional sponge who remembers a grudge from 2014
• Their Shit: Forgetting to tell you they love you for exactly three minutes.
• Our Shit: A soggy, greeting mess where you’re both drowning in feelings and fuming about things that haven't even happened yet.

Leo

• Your Shit: Being a vain numpty who thinks the sun shines out of their own erse.
• Their Shit: Not clapping loud enough when you walk into the kitchen.
• Our Shit: An expensive, dramatic performance where they’re the stagehand and you’re the theatre queen demanding a standing ovation for making toast.

Virgo

• Your Shit: Being a nit-picking General who treats a messy cupboard like a war crime.
• Their Shit: Breathing too loudly or existing in a way that isn't alphabetized.
• Our Shit: A relationship that feels like a performance review from a boss who canny stand you.

Libra

• Your Shit: Being so feckless and indecisive you couldn’t pick a chippy supper if your life depended on it.
• Their Shit: Making you choose, then watching you crumble like a stale biscuit.
• Our Shit: Standing in the middle of the street for three hours arguing about where to go until you both bolt in opposite directions.

Scorpio

• Your Shit: Being a suspicious bawbag who’s probably tracked their GPS and checked their bins.
• Their Shit: Having a secret —which in reality is just them having a private thought.
• Our Shit: A psychological thriller where you’re both pure mental and nobody’s allowed to leave without a full interrogation.

Sagittarius

• Your Shit: Being a daftie who says the most offensive thing possible then wonders why everyone's raging.
• Their Shit: Expecting you to actually stay in the house for more than ten minutes.
• Our Shit: A runaway train where you’re both drunk on adventure and common sense has taken the night off.

Capricorn

• Your Shit: Being a joyless worky-ticket who thinks fun is a waste of a good spreadsheet.
• Their Shit: Wanting affection or spontaneity instead of a 5-year financial plan.
• Our Shit: A cold, corporate merger where everything is just a pile of bills and mutual disappointment.

Aquarius

• Your Shit: Being a rocket who thinks they’re an alien and treats emotions like a strange math problem.
• Their Shit: Wanting to cuddle or be normal for five minutes.
• Our Shit: A weird, detached experiment where you both live in the same house but act like you’ve never met.

Pisces

• Your Shit: Being a space cadet who lives in a fantasy land and can’t find their own feet.
• Their Shit: Bringing up reality or facts, which you find deeply offensive.
• Our Shit: A blurry, confusing jobby of a relationship where you’re both lost in a daydream and the lavvy is overflowing.