Thinking of a new vehicle? Here’s your perfect rides…
Hello Lezzers, thinking of a new vehicle. Say no more Mystic Morag and Madame LaBia have consulted with the stars.
Here’s your perfect rides…
Aries Subaru Impreza
Absolutely hoons it down a single-track road like they’re auditioning for the rally. Thinks speed limits are just guidance. Can be seen tearing round countryside screaming “Move, ya belter!” at tractors.
Taurus Land Rover Defender
Built like a tank, never in a hurry, and always packed with a flask, Tunnock’s Caramel Wafers, a camping chair and three dogs that aren’t even theirs. Will drive 200 miles for a decent scone but refuses to pay for parking.
Gemini Mini Cooper with Union Jack Mirrors
Changes personality depending on who’s in the passenger seat. One minute blasting Chappell Roan, the next insisting they’re really into folk music now. Has changed the colour twice and is already eyeing another one on Auto Trader.
Cancer Volvo Estate
Mum of the friend group. Carries jump leads, waterproofs, painkillers, snacks, tissues and enough blankets to survive a Highland blizzard. You’ll never be stranded—but you will be asked if you’re “doing okay, hen.”
Leo Bright Yellow Jeep Wrangler
Roof off at 12°C because “it’s basically summer.” Parks right outside the lesbian bar even if there’s a space closer round the corner. Secretly devastated if nobody compliments it.
Virgo Skoda Octavia
Immaculate. Serviced three weeks early. Tyre pressures checked every Sunday. Quietly judging your dashboard warning lights and wondering how you’ve managed to survive into adulthood.
Libra Fiat 500 Convertible
Spent six months choosing the colour. Still not sure they picked the right one. Takes 47 selfies leaning against it before every trip.
Scorpio Black Audi with Tinted Windows
Nobody knows where they’ve been or where they’re going. Doesn’t say much… but somehow knows everybody’s business. Makes intense eye contact while reversing perfectly into the tiniest parking space.
Sagittarius Campervan
Currently somewhere in Glencoe with no signal and absolutely living their best life. Owns six fleece jackets, calls everyone “pal,” and has invited three lesbians they met yesterday to join them wild camping.
Capricorn Toyota Hilux
Built for work. Thinks holidays are for people who lack commitment. Has a five-year financial plan and somehow makes changing windscreen wipers sound motivational.
Aquarius Converted Electric Milk Float
Runs on solar panels, recycled chip fat and sheer determination. Has a compost toilet and will explain it whether you asked or not. Thinks society would function better if everyone just lived in tiny houses.
Pisces 25-Year-Old VW Beetle
Covered in stickers, fairy lights and emotional attachment. Cries when it fails its MOT. Says things like, “She just has a wee personality.”
