Right Lezzers, are you feeling politically homeless at the moment?

Dinnea Ken which way to turn. Mystic Morag has consulted with the stars.

Here’s your guide on who you’re likely to be voting for and why. If any of you tak offense let me Ken and I’ll set up a safe space chat for you.

Aries - Reform UK
You’re voting Reform because you’ve got the patience oh a wasp in a jar. You’re sick of the pronoun patrol and you want a party that shouts as loud as you do after four Buckie’s. You dinnea care if Farage is a bellend, you just want someone to tell the woke brigade to bolt.

Taurus - The Conservatives
You’re a Tory in the closet because you’re terrified the lassies will kick you oot oh the group chat. You’ll vote for them because you love your ISA more than your integrity. You want a world where a woman is a woman, taxes are low, and the neighbors dinnae park their skelped Vauxhall on your driveway.

Gemini - Liberal Democrats
Absolute wallopers. You’ll spend the whole day switherin like a windcock. You tell your trans mates you’re with them 100%, then you nip off to a gender critical meeting “for balance”. You’re voting for a party that couldn't define a woman if one hit them over the head with a dictionary.

Cancer: SNP (The Sturgeon Mourners)
You’re still greetin’ into your SNP branded tea towel. You’d vote for a traffic cone if it had a yellow ribbon on it. You’ve spent more time arguing about Self-ID than why the A9 is still a death trap and we still dinnea have our ferries. You’re the reason we cannae have nice things.

Leo - The Reclaim Party
You’re just a drama queen looking for a stage. You’ll vote for whoever is getting cancelled this week just so you can play the martyr. You don’t care about politics, you just want everyone to look at your brave Facebook post. Pure vanity hen!

Virgo - Labour
You’re voting for Keir Starmer, a man who looks like he’s permanently smelling a fart he’s trying to pretend isn’t his. He’s that terrified of the What is a woman question he’d probably jump oot a moving train to avoid answering it. You love the process, even if the process is just walkin’ in circles for five years.

Libra: The Green Party
You lot are aff your heids. You’re voting Green because you think Woman is a dirty word and we should all be called birthing units or bleeders. You’ll spend the whole election cycling to meetings to talk about inclusive language while your local park is knee deep in litter.

Scorpio - Workers Party of Britain
You’re voting for George Galloway because you’re a spiteful wee soul and you love the chaos. You want to see him turn up to Parliament and call a Lib Dem a steamin pile oh woke shite. You dinnea want a government, you want a riot.

Sagittarius - The No Hope Independents
You’ll vote for some random wifey who stands for Common Sense and Essential Oils. You think the whole system is too binary and you’d rather spoil your ballot with a drawing of a cat than actually pick a side. Away an’ bile your heid.

Capricorn - Rejoin EU
You’re still wearing a beret and hoping Ursula von der Leyen is gonnae swoop in and save us. You think if we just get back into the EU, the gender wars will be settled by a directive from Brussels. You’re a total nerd for rules and you’ve got "FBPE" in your Twitter bio like a badge of shame.

Aquarius - Communist Party of Britain
You live in a damp flat in Govanhill and honestly think the revolution is coming before the pubs shut. You’ll argue that Woman is a capitalist invention to sell more handbags. You’re voting for a party that’s got fewer members than your local bingo hall.

Pisces - Socialist Workers Party
You’re a permanent victim of the vibes. You’ll vote for the SWP because you like the placards, but you’ll burst into tears the moment someone asks you to explain the policy. You’re so woke you’ve forgotten how to have a normal conversation without checking your privilege every five seconds.