I think it’s time you all got a proper roasting.

TRIGGER WARNING Lezzers

As you all will have seen Madame Labia and Mystic Morag have been sweetness and light on here. It may come as a shock but behind our warm sunny exteriors lies 2 dark and tormented souls. I think it’s time you all got a proper roasting. It’s not easy reading but remember it’s for yer ain personal development. Remember lezzers, feedback is the breakfast of champions.

Aries
Pure brat with a temper shorter than a Glasgow summer. Thinks "I’m right" is a valid argument. Will start a fight over a chip, then act like you were the problem. Impulsive as a drunk at a ceilidh, spends money, shouts, leaves chaos in their wake, then says "what? I was just being me!"
You’re no a leader, you’re just a pain the arse who disnae listen. Patience? If it disnae happen now, it’s rubbish and stupid and abodys fault but yours.

Taurus
Stubborn as a Highland coo in mud. Once they’ve made their mind up, you could blast them with a cannon and they’d still say "nah, I’m fine here". Obsessed with comfort, food, money, their wee routine. If you change anything, even the telly channel, you’ve committed a crime. Hates new things, calls it "being sensible".
You’re no loyal, you’re just too lazy and thick to adapt. "I like it how it is" is just code for "I’m a dour auld hag who disnae want tae think". You’d sit in a cold hoose eating mouldy pie rather than try something new. Miserable, greedy, and no the brightest.

Gemini
Two-faced? You’ve got five faces. Talks aboot you tae your best mate, then chats tae you aboot them. Changes opinions faster than Edinburgh weather. Says one thing, does another, then acts like you imagined it. Loves gossip, lives for it. Can’t keep a secret if their life depended on it, and calls it "being social".
You’re no clever, you’re just a wee numpty who can talk for Scotland but says nothing. "I’m just curious" = I’m nosy and I’ll spread it all round the hooses ". Nobody knows the real you, cause even you dinnae even ken who you are.

Cancer
Emotional blackmail champion. "I did this for you…" "I’m hurt…" "Ye dinnae care…". Holds grudges like they’re precious jewels, remembers something you said in 2017 and brings it up every single time. Acts like a wee victim, makes everything aboot their feelings. Cries to get their way, then says "I’m just sensitive".
You’re no caring, you’re clingy and manipulative. "I love family" = "I want to control every move you make". If you were any more soft, you’d be porridge. You make people feel guilty for breathing.

Leo
Thinks the sun shines out their arse. Everything is about them. You compliment them? "Aye, I know." You don’t? Absolute meltdown. Needs attention like a wean needs sweets. Must be the best, the loudest, the most loved. If you share the spotlight, they’ll act like you stole their car. Dramatic as a panto villain.
You’re no confident, you’re just a big, daft peacock with a similar sized brain. "I’m a leader" = "I’m a bossy cow who disnae listen". If you dinnae get praise, you sulk like a bairn denied an ice cream. Ye think you’re royalty, but you’re just a daftie in a nice jumper.

Virgo
Perfectionist? More like perfection pain. Picks faults in everything, your hair, your dinner, your life, the way you breathe. You are no “just helping” you just love to make others feel useless. Nothing is ever good enough. Organises every single thing, then moans when it’s not exactly right. Critical as a granny at a wedding.
You’re not smart, you’re just a miserable wee nitpicker. You’d clean a hoose while it’s on fire. You act like you’re superior, but you’re just a boring auld biddy who disnae let anyone have fun. Lighten up, you miserable old groat.

Libra
Cannae make a decision to save their life. "What do you want?" "I dunno… whatever you want…" for 3 hours. Hates conflict so much they’ll lie, agree with everyone, then complain behind their backs. Says "I’m fair" but really they’re just spineless. Always wants peace, even if it means being fake.
You’re no nice, you’re just a coward. You dinnea see both sides, you just canny eat to disagree. You would let someone rob you just tae avoid an argument. Indecisive as a sheep in a roundabout. You’re everybody’s mate, but nobody’s real mate. Useless as a chocolate teapot.

Scorpio
Vengeful, secretive, and pure dark. If ye cross them, they’ll wait years tae get you back. Remembers every slight, every mistake, every wrong look. Says they are loyal but really they are just jealous and possessive as hell. Reads into everything. You said "hi" and they think ye’re plotting against them. Intense as a storm up north.
You’re no deep, you’re just a bitter, suspicious wee numpty. "I’ve got layers" really means "I’m a moody shite who disnae trust anyone". You’d ruin a life just tae feel better. Ye think you’re mysterious, but you’re just scary and miserable. Get a hobby instead o’ plotting.

Sagittarius
Blunt as a brick, calls it "honesty". Says "ye look fat in that" and acts like they’re the victim when you get mad. Cannae commit tae anything, jobs, relationships, plans. Runs away when things get hard. Talks big, travels, says "I’m free", but really they’re just irresponsible. Leaves a trail o’ broken promises.
You’re no adventurous, you’re just a daft, flighty eedjit. “You aren’t just “telling it like it is”. You’re just blunt and rude. You cannae be trusted tae turn up on time, or turn up at all. You think you’re big and clever, but ye’re just a big wean who disnae want tae grow up.

Capricorn
Boring, cold, and obsessed with work. Thinks fun is for fools. Lives by rules, lists, and "proper behaviour". Judges everyone who disnae work as hard as them. Says "I’m ambitious" but really it’s "I’m miserable and I want everyone else tae be miserable too". Tight as a drum, hates spending money, even on themselves.
You’re no successful, ye’re just a dull, dry stick. You’d work on Christmas Day and call it dedication. You think you’re better than everyone, but you’re just a sad auld wifey who forgot how tae laugh. You’re like cold porridge, safe, but dull.

Aquarius
I’m different! shouts it every 5 minutes. Thinks they’re smarter, better, more unique than everyone. Disagrees just tae be difficult. Thinks they are logical but really they’re just weird and distant. Feels emotions? Naw, they analyse them. Acts like they dinnae care, then gets offended if ye dinnae understand their special ways and eccentricities.
You’re no unique, you’re just a daftie who tries too hard.. you’re not ahead of your time, your just awkward and dinnae ken how to talk to people. You’re as cold as a Scottish winter. You think you’re a genius, but you’re just a weirdo in a hoodie who argues aboot everything.

Pisces
Lives in a dream world. "It’s fate…" "The universe wanted it…" instead of taking responsibility they play the victim. I’m so sensitive…" "Nobody understands me…". Promises everything, delivers nothing. Cries, manipulates, makes everything aboot their big, sad feelings. Escapes instead o’ dealing wi’ anything. Ye’re no sweet, ye’re just a daft, useless dreamer. "I’m creative" = "I’m too lazy tae do anything real". Ye’d drown in yer own tears if ye could. Ye think ye’re deep and magical, but ye’re just a soft, daft wean who cannae handle real life. Grow up, ye daft soul.