How you are likely to behave in the group chats?

Right Lezzers as more of our people join us on the WhattsApp - mystic Morag and Madame LaBia asked the stars how you are likely to behave in the group chats.

Who is most likely to get the hammer of banishment from Madame Labia and who is most likely to have Mystic Morag typing out more guidelines.

Aries, the self appointed commander
Aries has never knowingly entered a WhatsApp group without attempting to take charge of it. Hasn’t read the previous 87 messages but is already absolutely certain who’s right, who’s wrong and who needs to get a bloody grip.
Types with Caps lock on when passionate, which is approximately every eleven minutes. Will start an argument at 9.04am, declare she’s “not wasting any more energy on this” at 9.17am, and be back at 9.23am with further evidence.
Her favourite phrase is “I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking.”
Nobody else was thinking it.

Taurus, the quiet assassin
Taurus has muted the group, poured herself a large coffee and is observing the absolute circus unfolding before her.
She doesn’t do drama. She does comfort, loyalty, decent food and quietly judging people who create unnecessary complications.
Will ignore 200 messages about a disagreement but immediately respond when someone mentions a restaurant.
When she finally contributes to an argument, it’s one beautifully constructed sentence that destroys both sides.
Then goes back to her cheese board as though nothing happened.

Gemini, the two woman debating society
Gemini doesn’t need anyone else to have an argument. She’s perfectly capable of conducting both sides herself.
At 10am she passionately supports a proposal. At 10.15am she’s identified seven reasons it’s a terrible idea. By lunchtime she’s suggesting something entirely different and accusing everyone else of being inflexible.
Has seventeen conversations happening simultaneously, three private chats discussing the main chat, and absolutely no recollection of what she originally said.
If Gemini types “Can I just play devil’s advocate?” cancel your afternoon.

Cancer, get your free therapy session here
Cancer joined the group hoping to make friends and has somehow become the emotional support department for 150 lesbians.
She remembers everyone’s birthdays, breakups, difficult anniversaries and the name of that horrible ex who ruined Christmas in 2019.
After a particularly vicious disagreement, Cancer appears with “Sending love to everyone ❤️” and genuinely means it.
However, don’t mistake that soft exterior for weakness.
She has a memory like an elephant and knows exactly who upset her friend at the Blackpool weekend.
Forgiveness is possible. Forgetting is not.

Leo, main character darling
Leo doesn’t post in the group. She makes an entrance.
Every selfie is an event. Every new outfit deserves a standing ovation. Every birthday should ideally be recognised as a national lesbian holiday.
If her photograph receives fewer than eight heart reactions, she’ll assume the algorithm is broken or the group has lost its collective eyesight.
Announces “I’m taking a break from social media” with the emotional gravity of a royal abdication.
Returns 40 minutes later with a photograph of her lunch.
The lunch looks fabulous, obviously.

Virgo, the admin no one appointed
Virgo has read the group guidelines, identified inconsistencies and prepared a revised version with numbered paragraphs and an appendix.
She knows who hasn’t paid for the weekend away, who’s failed to complete the poll and why the event itinerary is fundamentally inefficient.
Has a spreadsheet for everything, including a colour-coded list of women who have said “I’ll definitely come” and subsequently vanished.
Will correct your grammar while simultaneously offering genuinely useful advice.
Her idea of flirting is telling you there’s a more efficient way to load your dishwasher.

Libra, the diplomatic hostage
Libra just wants everyone to be happy, get along and perhaps enjoy a nice brunch together.
Unfortunately, she’s joined a group containing Aries, Scorpio and Sagittarius, so peace was never a realistic possibility.
Can see both sides of every argument, including arguments where one side is demonstrably talking complete bollocks.
Will spend two hours composing a diplomatic response, show it to three friends, edit it six times and eventually send “Fair enough”.
Has been asked to choose a restaurant.
The booking will never happen.

Scorpio, the intelligence service
Scorpio rarely contributes to the chaos because she’s far too busy collecting evidence.
She knows who fancied whom, who fell out with whom, and exactly what was said in a deleted message last Thursday.
Has screenshots, timestamps and an emotional filing system that would put MI5 to shame.
When Scorpio finally enters a heated discussion with “That’s not quite how I remember it…” everyone should immediately seek legal representation.
She loves deeply, protects fiercely and can smell bullshit through a locked WhatsApp chat.
Her most terrifying message?
“Interesting.”
Just one word. Three divorces pending.

Sagittarius, the human hand grenade
Sagittarius considers the group chat her personal comedy club, travel agency and experimental laboratory for inappropriate humour.
Will make a joke during the most serious discussion imaginable, accidentally offend six people and then wonder why nobody has a sense of humour anymore.
Has absolutely no filter and considers tact an unnecessary administrative burden.
Posts “Anyone fancy a spontaneous weekend away?” and has booked flights before anyone responds.
If she’s been quiet for more than two days, check whether she’s abroad, in love or banned from another WhatsApp group.
Possibly all three.

Capricorn, the CEO of lesbianism
Capricorn joined to meet interesting women and has somehow ended up managing the group’s finances, organising transport and questioning why nobody has submitted their expenses.
She has no patience for vague plans, emotional theatrics or women who respond “Maybe” to a yes-or-no question.
While everyone else is discussing the spiritual significance of a full moon, Capricorn is checking whether the venue has public liability insurance.
Her romantic ideal is a woman who arrives on time, pays her share and knows how to use a calendar.
Nothing gets her going quite like a completed action plan.

Aquarius, the resident revolutionary
Aquarius doesn’t deliberately disagree with everyone.
It just happens naturally.
She will question established thinking, challenge group assumptions and introduce a philosophical argument into a perfectly innocent conversation about where to have lunch.
She’s fiercely independent, gloriously unconventional and absolutely allergic to being told what to think.
Will defend someone’s right to express an opinion while simultaneously explaining, in extraordinary detail, why that opinion is intellectually bankrupt.
Has a collection of unusual friends, obscure interests and theories that require diagrams.
Her favourite words are “But have you considered…?”
No, Aquarius. We were discussing sandwiches.

Pisces, the romantically compromised dreamer
Pisces joined the group looking for friendship and accidentally fell in love with a woman who used a heart emoji.
She’s already imagined their first date, their cottage by the sea and the two rescue dogs they’ll adopt.
Unfortunately, the woman in question was simply thanking her for sharing the bus timetable.
Pisces feels everything. Deeply. Including emotions that haven’t technically happened yet.
Will write a heartfelt message, delete it, rewrite it as poetry, then send “Haha xx” because she’s frightened of appearing too keen.
Can detect sadness in a full stop and romantic potential in a thumbs-up.
Currently recovering from a relationship that existed entirely in her imagination.