Here’s Your Spirit Animal By Star Sign
Right Lezzers here’s your spirit animal by star sign.
Yer aw a wee bit wild and slightly feral. A drag queen in spirit came through and declared one oh the star signs a furry. I got him telt. Ah wiz tempted tae keep it in but Madame LaBia went pure tonto at the mere suggestion. So Scorpio, you’ve been let aff the hook this week.
Aries- honey badger
Five foot fuck all of completely unnecessary aggression. Aries has been in Blackpool eleven minutes and already has beef with reception, a fruit machine and a woman from Fife she’s never met before.
Mating call- “Naw, because see what YOU’RE no gonnae dae…”
Taurus- The Wombat
Built like a furry ottoman and equally committed to comfort. Taurus came away for a wild lesbian weekend but has somehow recreated her living room in the hotel within 40 minutes. Bra off, slippers on, snacks arranged within reaching distance and the heating adjusted to exactly her temperature.
At 10pm everyone’s heading back out.
Taurus Mating call - Aye, I’ll be doon in a minute.”
She will not.
Gemini, The Seagull
Loud, everywhere and absolutely fucking relentless. Goes outside for a fag knowing nobody and returns 20 minutes later with a chip, somebody’s room number and the full story of why Sandra and Michelle haven’t spoken since Benidorm 2019.
Mating call- “I probably shouldn’t tell you this but..”
Cancer, The red squirrel
Looks sweet and harmless. Is actually a tiny Scottish psychopath with excellent recall.
Cancer remembers everything. That funny tone you used in a WhatsApp message in March? Filed. That time you didn’t ask if she wanted a drink? Filed. The birthday you forgot in 2018? FUCKING ARCHIVED.
She’ll insist, “No, honestly, it’s fine.”
It is absolutely not fine.
Three wines later she’s beside you going, “I wasn’t even going to mention this, but seeing as we’re talking…”
Mating call- “I’m no holding a grudge. I just remember things.”
Leo, the Peacock
Has spent two hours getting ready for an event that said CASUAL. Enters the room like she’s opening the fucking BAFTAs.
If someone else gets more compliments, Leo develops a mysterious illness.
Mating call- “I just threw this on.”
She absolutely fucking did not.
Virgo, the border Collie
Nobody appointed Virgo group leader. This has not prevented Virgo becoming group leader. There’s a spreadsheet, emergency contacts and a WhatsApp message saying LADIES — PLEASE READ!!! that nobody has read.
By Saturday afternoon she’s herding 14 pissed lesbians towards a minibus whispering, “For fuck’s SAKE.”
Libra, the Flsmingo
Gorgeous. Charming. Completely fucking useless when presented with two choices. “Red or white?”
“Ooooh…I don’t mind.”
40 minutes later… SHE STILL MINDS.
Eventually orders rosé because apparently democracy has failed.
Scorpio, the Black Cat
Looks calm. Looks sophisticated. Is actually sitting there silently assessing every fucker in the room.
Scorpio can detect bullshit at 40 paces. You can tell her, “I’m fine,” and she’ll look at you for three seconds and somehow know about your childhood, your ex and the £27 you’ve got left until payday.
She doesn’t gossip. She collects intelligence.
And never mistake Scorpio’s silence for not knowing what’s going on. She knows exactly what’s going on.
She’s just waiting to see how much more shite you’re going to talk before she ruins your evening with one perfectly timed sentence.
Mating call-“Interesting…”
Sagittarius, The Labrador that got out
Started the evening saying, “I’m definitely having an early one.”
Last seen at 3:26am dancing with a hen party from Coatbridge while wearing a traffic cone and shouting, “WE’RE ALL GOING TAE The FLYING HANDBAG!”
Nobody invited the hen party.
They’re coming anyway.
Capricorn, The mountain Goat
Has watched this entire catastrophe unfold with the facial expression of a disappointed headmistress. Refused the shots. Drank water. Went to bed at 11:30.
Appears at breakfast showered, moisturised and absolutely fucking insufferable.
Mating call- “I did tell you.”
Aquarius, The Racoon
Looks normal from a distance. Get closer and she’s explaining why she’s invented a lesbian barter economy based on Tunnock’s Teacakes.
At 2am everyone thinks it’s fucking genius. By breakfast Aquarius has appointed a committee and designed the logo.
Mating call- “Right, hear me out…”
Pisces, the Otter
Arrived knowing four people. By midnight she loves EVERYBODY. Has cried twice, kissed three foreheads and told a woman from Ayr, “I genuinely feel like our souls were meant to meet.”
They met beside the ice machine 17 minutes ago.
Sunday checkout absolutely fucking destroys her.
