The Fantastic Lesbians Blackpool weekend…

Okay Lezzers, don’t say you weren’t warned. The stars have spoken and, frankly, they’re concerned.

Here’s what to expect from each star sign during the Fantastic Lesbians Blackpool weekend…

ARIES, Arrives saying, “I’m taking it easy this weekend.” By 8:17pm she’s ordered shots, befriended a hen party from Paisley and is shouting, “RIGHT, WHO’S COMING TAE FUNNY GIRLS?”
Will nearly upend a table during TERF Bingo because her number didnae come out. By Sunday she’ll be claiming everybody else led her astray.
Aye. Right.

TAURUS, Standards, Hen. Has inspected the hotel room before she’s even taken her coat off and is already raging there are only four wee milks beside the kettle. While the rest of you are eating chips on the promenade, Taurus has somehow found somewhere with tablecloths and proper napkins.
“I’m no paying £9.50 for that shite.”
Pays £9.50.
Complains about it until breakfastthe next morning.

GEMINI, Missing, Presumed Blethering
Goes to the toilet. Disappears for 47 minutes. Eventually found at another table having made six new pals, joined another lesbian group and acquired detailed information about who winched who after Pitlochry. By Saturday Gemini knows everybody in Blackpool. Including the woman on reception.

CANCER, Has paracetamol, plasters, Rennies, tissues, phone chargers, mints and emergency crisps in her handbag.
At 1am she’s holding somebody’s hair back saying, “I TOLD you not to mix red wine and tequila.” Spends Friday looking after everybody.
Gets absolutely blootered on Saturday and has to be put to bed by the people she rescued the night before.

LEO, Blackpool Tower has been informed there will now be two major attractions in town. Outfit planned. Hair done. Lighting checked. Nobody is allowed to eat until photographs have been taken from 63 different angles. “Wait, one more. I look weird in that one.”
There will be 94 photographs. Three will make Facebook.

VIRGO, Has the itinerary screenshotted, restaurant postcode saved, weather checked and knows breakfast finishes at 10:30. Fourteen lesbians have agreed to meet downstairs at 7pm.
At 7pm only Virgo is downstairs.
Alone. At 7:23 the first lezzer wanders down saying, “Are we waiting on anyone?” Virgo’s eye starts twitching.
“I fucking knew this would happen.”
First of many.

LIBRA, Can’t decide what to wear but can apparently decide she’s in love after nine minutes of eye contact across a Wetherspoons. By Saturday afternoon three women think Libra fancies them.
Libra isn’t entirely sure they’re wrong.
“I was only being friendly!” Aye, hen.
Very friendly.

SCORPIO, Quiet. Observant. Sitting at the end of the table drinking something suspiciously sensible. Meanwhile she’s clocked every flirtation, argument, hand on knee and lingering look in the room.
Then at approximately 1:36am she unexpectedly says something absolutely filthy and carries on drinking as if she hasn’t just caused three lezzers to malfunction. What happens in Blackpool stays in Blackpool.
Unfortunately, Scorpio knows exactly what happened.

SAGITTARIUS, The Bad Influence
“Come on, we’re only here once!”
These words will precede every terrible decision of the weekend.
Shots? Aye. Karaoke? Obviously.
Random nightclub nobody remembers agreeing to? Get moving.
Illuminations at 3am? “GET YER COAT.”
Will wake up on Sunday with £4.70, someone else’s sunglasses and absolutely no regrets.

CAPRICORN, Has booked everything, checked the train times and quietly wonders why she associates with any of these people. Has emergency cash.
Has the booking reference. Has probably reminded Virgo to calm down.
Then somebody buys her a whisky.
Two hours later she’s belting out 500 Miles wearing a flashing cowboy hat she definitely did not arrive in. No further questions.

AQUARIUS, Announces early doors:
“I’m staying out of everybody’s drama this weekend.” By teatime she knows everything.
By 9pm she’s somehow mediating a lesbian diplomatic incident that had absolutely fuck all to do with her.
Starts the evening discussing feminism and ends it trying to convince six women that going on the Big One after cocktails is “perfectly safe if you think about it.”
Will return home with at least one story that absolutely CANNOT go in the main chat.
Hot Topics? Maybe.

PISCES, 6pm: “I love you women.”
9pm: “No, seriously, finding this group has meant so much tae me.”
Midnight: crying because somebody bought her chips.
1am: “You’re honestly one of my BEST pals.” Woman in question was met on Thursday. Will lose something.
Probably her room key. Possibly her wallet. Definitely her dignity.