Astrology Serial Killers Chat

Happy Wednesday Lezzers

There was some talk aboot serial killers. Got me to thinking what type of Crimes you are all likely to commit. Here goes you big bunch of shady characters.

Aries - Assault
You’ve got a fuse shorter than a Scottish summer. 2 buckfasts and you’ve gone pure tonto cos somebody said your girlfriend’s Docs looked chunky. You’re a pure roaster with anger issues and a chipped tooth.

Taurus - Insurance Fraud
You’d set fire to your own shop just to claim the payout for "smoke damaged" luxury rugs. You’d be standing outside with a fake limp and a tear in your eye while the fire brigade tells you they found the petrol can with your fingerprints on it.

Gemini - Perjury
You’d be the star witness in a murder trial, lie through your teeth for three hours, and then accidentally testify against yourself because you forgot which lie you were telling. You’d snitch on your best mate just to have something to talk about at the pub.

Cancer - Arson
Setting fire to their exes belongings after saying “I’m not bothered” then sitting greeting outside their gaff while the wheelie bin melts.

Leo - Drunk and Disorderly
Wants escorted oot the Polo Lounge like a celebrity. “You’ll ah ken who I am in the morning”. Asks the police if they got their good side for the mugshot.

Virgo - Poisoning
You’re too much of a wet wipe for blood. You’d slowly lace your boss's tea with laxatives and arsenic over six months because he used the wrong "there" in an email. You’d probably tidy the crime scene before the polis arrived.

Libra- Bigamy
You’re so indecisive you’d end up married to three different women in three different council schemes because you couldn’t bear to hurt anyone’s feelings by saying NO. You get caught when all three "soulmates" show up at the same Greggs.

Scorpio- Torture & Revenge
You don't just commit a crime, you make it a hobby. You’d kidnap someone who cut you off in traffic and make them listen to Baby Shark on a loop for three weeks in a basement in Dundee.

Sagittarius- Public Indecency & Rioting
You’d get arrested for mooning everyone from the top of a police van during a protest you don't even understand. You’re the reason ASBOs were invented. You’d wake up in a cell with a tattoo of a pelican on your forehead and no memory of how you got there.

Capricorn- Corporate corruption
Naebody even realises you’re committing crimes because you’ve got a lanyard and speak confidently at meetings.

Aquarius- Eco-Terrorism
You’d glue yourself to a bus to save the spiritual energy of a local park, while wearing a hemp poncho that smells like wet dog and disappointment. You’d try to represent yourself in court and get an extra two years for calling the judge a hologram.

Pisces- shoplifting (by accident)
Walks out of boots holding a meal deal and immediately starts confessing tae strangers on the bus.